


First Step

by yuurismocha



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, High functioning depression, I guess you could say "angsts" but not really, M/M, References to Depression, Short One Shot, There's no self harm nor mentions of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 00:38:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11116248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuurismocha/pseuds/yuurismocha
Summary: Yuuri Katsuki is not depressed.He was tired and he didn’t want to leave the bed.





	First Step

**Author's Note:**

> Me: I am not depressed  
> Depression: nope, you're just lazy and can't do shit haha  
> Me: you are so right!

Yuuri Katsuki is not depressed.

He is tired and he didn’t want to leave the bed.

If he needed an excuse he had woken up again at 2 am and couldn’t shut his brain until 4:30 am. He had scrolled through media, He had read articles, he had watched videos and he had listened to music that would lull him to at least a restless sleep and it didn’t work until exhaustion took over.

Makkachin had barely noticed the weak light from his phone. It didn’t wake Victor, and that was alright. He didn’t want to.

Yuuri Katsuki is not depressed.

He is lazy and can’t do anything.

He had woken up before his alarm, again, and had seen he had 15 minutes to spare in the warm bed before going to the cold city outside for a run. He didn’t want to. His alarm had rung and he had deactivated it. _Lazy._ He _had_ to wake up but he _couldn’t_ stop himself from staying snuggled in bed.

He couldn’t move, didn’t feel like doing so. He knew what this meant but he didn’t want to wake up. If he could he would stay in bed all day. That sounded safe and comforting.

He stayed in bed an hour more. An hour in which every time he got distracted he remembered how lazy he was. 40 minutes and he was up. Cold and shaking but up.

Yuuri Katsuki is not depressed.

He just feels like eating every carb in the house.

And then don’t eat at all.

He feels guilty. He shouldn’t eat so many things, but breakfast could give him that freedom and he promise himself that he would run that night so he loses the extra calories he’s _stuffing_ in his mouth. Oh fuck, that’s probably disgusting. He really wants to throw everything up and promises he will be strict with his diet _tomorrow._ How can Victor love someone like him? He probably doesn’t, who knows.

Yuuri Katsuki is not depressed.

He’s just exhausted and maybe he’ll catch a cold.

He couldn’t run as much as he was able to this summer and he swears is probably because he had been snacking too much and he should stop. He swears it’s probably just a cold when he feels like he can’t breathe and suddenly he’s stressed.

No, not anxious – He’s healthy, he’s okay. He’s just stressed.

His heart beats too fast and he coughs like throwing up, he gags and coughs in the sidewalk because it’s early and no one will see the disgusting scene. But maybe someone does, so he stops, breathes in and just stops gagging letting the discomforting feeling inside. He knows, so he hopes is not the anxiety kicking him again. He hadn’t done anything he should have, had he?

He had to check:

  * He hadn’t gone grocery shopping.
  * He hadn’t called his family.
  * He had to make an appointment with his therapist.
    * That could wait.



He had a lot of things to do and so little time. What was he going to do? The fever-like heat started burning his skin and he was panting.

Damn it. He runs the anxiety off. If… that’s even possible.

Yuuri Katsuki is not depressed.

He’s just wasting Victor’s time. Selfishly.

He shouldn’t be in this season. Hell, he didn’t even know he _would_ make it into this season. He had practised every jump, every program and every step sequence and they were all failures. Like him. Nothing was perfect or to Victor’s level. This just screamed lazy, easy, no. He was not worthy of Victor’s time and he was selfishly keeping it. He was jumping and jumping and then falling and falling. He’s not good at this. He couldn’t even beat a teen, what makes everyone believe he would be able to get gold?

He’s not good at this and he knows it. But this is all he knows, skating. If he throws it away there won’t be a Yuuri Katsuki anymore.

That… sometimes sounds too good.

Yuuri Katsuki is not depressed.

He’s just tired from practice and all he wants to do is sleep.

He walks to his shared room with Victor and tells him he’ll get a nap, he didn’t sleep well and he needed it. He’ll eat lunch later don’t worry.

He took a 3 hours nap. He feels worse.

Yes, he’s no longer exhausted. But he knows this feeling inside of him. Emptiness. Victor can make him smile and laugh and be amazing. No, don’t take selfies he looks absolutely horrible. Victor can make him feel like it’s okay but the moment Victor leaves for a second it’s back and the smile drops because he’s alone again.

He knows what this is.

He knows.

 

Yuuri Katsuki is depressed, he’s just too scared to tell Victor.

Because no one would believe him. Because he looks okay. Because he ate a tasteless lunch and he didn’t ask for a hug and he didn’t cry. Because he laughed and he woke up and he practised for hours.

Yuuri Katsuki is depressed and he has to fight it again. He just doesn’t want people to believe he’s weak. He’s not weak. He has to deal with this, he has to deal with himself. Break down and pick up the pieces by himself. He didn’t know he was letting himself crack until he let out a strong sob.

And broke down. He sobbed and cried and he couldn’t stop babbling about how he didn’t deserve anything he was having.

“How can you love someone like me?”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“I’m worthless.”

“I hate… I hate myself.” Victor hugged him tightly. So tight and kissed every inch of his face because that’s what a boyfriend Yuuri doesn’t deserve does. It felt like something was slowly letting him open up and he told everything to Victor.

He’s depressed. Had been for a while. He was too scared. He was too scared because he hates it. He hates his thoughts. They are scary and they make him anxious. He’s scared and he hates being such a dependent person. He’s a fool for believing his thoughts would go away after this summer.

They are always back, always back.

He asks Victor to be with him while he calls his therapist.

Hi, he doesn’t want to bother but he needs this.

Yeah, he can do it after practice that Wednesday, thank you.

 

He relaxes after the breakdown. He’s okay, he’ll be okay.

 

Yuuri Katsuki is depressed. Maybe being in love won’t fix that. He will try to get better, he will get better, not only for Victor or for their friends or his family.

This time is for himself.

Yuuri Katsuki is depressed but he will fight it.

And that’s the first step. 

**Author's Note:**

> I just needed to vent. 
> 
> Feel free to check my other, less serious and happier works tho!


End file.
